Saturday, December 17, 2005

Hope is a side road.


Resilient creatures, we humans are. Just when you think you cannot possibly take anymore... Just when you think there's no way you can get up and face the day. ...Just when you feel like you've hit the bottom of despair and there's no turning back....

You find a way.

As the old saying goes "Hope Springs Eternal". And it's so true. Look down, look really deeply down to that place where you invite no one. You'll find it there. 'Cause you can't kill hope. Even when you're don't think it's there, it is. It sits quietly and infiltrates your most private thoughts before you realize that there is still hope within you.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past couple of years it's that we all have our own battles to fight and wars to wage. Sure, we have good times and bad times and better times but we all face something. Whether it's a marriage gone sour or a loved one facing cancer or lonliness or depression or infertility we all fight the good fight. Some days we shut down. We say to ourselves and each other, "this is it. I cannot do this anymore. I'm tired and beaten."

But sure as the sun will rise, so will hope. It'll be a whisper at first ~ but it's there.

I write this because I have gone through more self blame, self doubt, self hate, resignation and despair than I ever thought I could handle. There are days when I want to give up, when I cry myself to sleep, when I want to forget about the whole thing but somewhere in that deep well of my soul, hope springs.

The last couple of months I've given Hope a lot of thought. I've examined it and wondered at it. Two years ago, I didn't know the deep and unbreakable hope that lives within us. I didn't understand it. I would throw the word around easily and carelessly, not truly understanding. And I still don't completely understand how hope and the human spirit are so intertwined. In the past I hoped for things like a job offer, a winfall, a phone call, a good grade... And I still do hope for the littles things. But now I know the true power of hope. I understand that it really does spring eternal as well as I understand that I will have more days when I think that hope is gone.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Blessed

The previous night’s snowfall made the trees look spectacular on Friday. If you bothered to look ~ which many people don’t ~ the bare branches topped with pure white snow made beautiful lacework scenery every way you turned.

I go out at lunch pretty much every day. I need that time to get away from this soul sucking office environment. My strained eyes and sore neck desperately need the break every day. On this particular day I decided to take my camera to a close-by nature trail. That’s one of the beautiful things about where I live and work. You can be on crowded, dirty, city streets one minute and surrounded on all sides by nature the next.

I picked my path and sauntered along taking pictures as I went. It was quiet. The snow and the foliage blocked out much of the traffic noises that weren’t too far away. Big flakes of snow were falling all around me. Rounding a curve in the path I found myself staring at a deer. She was beautiful and didn’t seem nearly as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She peered curiously over her shoulder at me as I hurriedly snapped pictures as fast as my camera would allow me.

What I didn’t know was that I needn’t have rushed. I crept closer to her and crouched down to get a good shot. She stared at me for a moment then began to pick her way through the branches towards me. Her close proximity made me feel utterly blessed.

There in that quiet, serene wood on an otherwise busy Friday afternoon, I communed with that deer for awhile. We stood in each other’s presence for many long minutes. For a moment ~ however brief it was ~ I felt like all was right with the world. Here was this beautiful creature, this gift, which was within a couple feet of me. I murmured soft words in the hushed atmosphere of the snowy woods and felt a real sense of peace steal over me.

It turned out that I had to leave before that deer got tired of me. I didn’t want to go. I felt exhilarated and touched at this experience and as I apologetically walked away the doe followed me for a few steps and watched as I headed back down the path towards my life.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Wings on my mind.

Just thought I'd better clear something up.
I am not leaving.
Just taking some time.
And giving some thought to where I want this space to go.
There is a little misconception that I stopped posting because of a nasty commenter.
That experience has absolutely nothing to do with my reluctance about blogging.

Without putting too fine a point on things there are 2 general reasons that Wings kinda dried up.

1. There was/is some pretty major stuff going on in my life.

2. There's someone that reads Wings that I'm not comfortable sharing that with.

I just needed to get away for a while. But Wings has been on my mind a lot lately. Don't know what I'm gonna do or where I'm gonna go with this yet but I'm working on it.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Missing in Action.

Where the hell have I been!!??
Good question.
I guess that I just felt like this place didn’t “fit” me anymore.
There have been things that I’ve been going through that are hard for me to talk about.
Plus, the time constraints of blogging were catching up with me.
I spent a lot (too much) time on it.
Call it a cop out if you must.
Call it whatever you want.
But it’s the truth.
I do miss it here.
I love my colours, I love my pictures.
I love the friends that I made.
I love what this place made me learn about myself.
I love how I discovered a whole new world that I never knew existed.
But as hard as I tried, I just seemed to lose my comfort level here.

I’m leaving this blog up so that I can pop in every once in a while.
Who knows, maybe this’ll be the catalyst.
Maybe I’ll start posting here more regularly again.
Maybe someday I’ll have something to share.
Maybe someday I’ll have a hell of a story for you.
Maybe that story needs to be told sooner rather than later.

We’ll see.


Thursday, July 07, 2005

One Year Later

Today marks my one year blogging anniversary. In some ways it seems like I’ve been blogging a lot longer than a year.

I have changed. My writing has changed. My life has changed. My friends and family got to know me a little better and my new friendships are so amazingly real.

I floundered a bit when I first started Wings. For who and why was I writing? What should I write about? In the beginning I wrote almost essay type posts. I went from posting a couple times a week to posting every day and back to posting a couple times a week.

My parents were my biggest supporters at first, encouraging me to keep on blogging. Slowly, I made friends and gained readers. Among the first were Freya, Shadowbox, Kat, Kristin, Zulu and Dale. Since then, too many to name individually have dropped in and out of my blog world. What great friends you all have become. I’ve developed friendships that I wouldn’t hesitate to change into 3D friendships. Some of you know more about me than anyone else.

In some respects this past year has been tough. But it’s been worthwhile and a growing experience for me. Time and priorities have changed for me and I don’t get around to your blogs or post as much as I used to. I guess blogging ebbs and flows like anything else in life.

I can’t wait to see where the tide takes me in the next year.

Thanks for a great year of blogging everybody!

Monday, July 04, 2005

Monday Morning Cheer

I was whining to a friend about how I’m really crabby this morning and was having trouble remaining pleasant through the usual Monday morning banter and jokes.

For whatever insane reason I decided to figure out how many Monday mornings or work I may have left in my life. Scary? Yes. Depressing? Most definitely.

Assuming that I’ll be working until my early sixties and taking into account vacations and long weekends, CONSERVATIVELY, I have approximately 1400 more working Mondays to look forward to.

It’s a sobering thought.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Last time I checked....

I received a comment today on a past post. I guess that I'm feeling a little feisty today because I don't feel like ignoring it like I normally would. Rest assured it's not a terribly offensive comment, it just rubbed me the wrong way.

At 2:27 AM, misterd declared...

Before the Internet, only your closest family had to be subjected to inane pap like this.

No longer.
Technology moves us ahead.




Well misterd.

I guess you're right. It's inane. It's boring. It's my life. Thing is? You didn't have to read it. You didn't need to leave a comment. You could have gone back to your exciting and righteous life and never thought of it again. But according to my stats you spent more than 8 grueling minutes at Wings. It must have been awfully painful for you to be stuck here for so long.

Last time I checked this was a place for me. It's too bad that people like you (and when I say that, I mean people that surf around blogland judging the value of others, leaving comments but neglecting to leave directions to their own perfect blogs) feel the need to take others"down a notch". It's sad really. Maybe even the tiniest bit pathetic.

What's the matter? Feeling a little inadequate? Maybe this is the only way you can find to have fun? Maybe the only thing you are able to write is snotty comments to others. Maybe it's the best way to make yourself feel better about the state of your own inane existence.

So, misterd, I apologize that you were subjected to my drivel. It's too bad that you felt compelled to not only read the whole thing, but comment also. Having a will of my own, I am usually able to surf right on by the blogs I'm not interested in without leaving my stamp of disapproval.

When I don't like or appreciate a blog, my visit registers on stats as a few seconds, or a minute at most. I land on it, glance at it and then decide if I want to stay. In 8 minutes I can read quite a few posts. I wonder how many of mine you read before you decided that you should let me know how inane it all is?